


going, going, gone

by deadspoets



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Jewish Steve Rogers, Loss, M/M, One Shot, Post Infinity War, Sad, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-20 23:03:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14271456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadspoets/pseuds/deadspoets
Summary: the end of the line came without bucky





	going, going, gone

**Author's Note:**

> [small](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfnFFzrJq3VTumN4f_Z7yP3Ra1Fbq2B90) playlist to Level Up ur crying:
> 
> \- we'll meet again (she & him)  
> \- like a river runs (bleachers ft. sia)  
> \- the anchor (bastille)  
> \- wherever you will go (charlene soraia)  
> \- broken (jake bugg)

He fought till his last breath. That’s what they told him, at least. They sat him down and told him Steve died the way he lived. A hero. By the time Thanos filled the gauntlet with stone after stone, not even the world’s most famous super soldier could stand a chance. 

The last survivors gathered in a barren room in the old Avengers compound. Peter stood in the corner of the room, head in hands, silently crying. Bucky should’ve known something horrible had happened when Dr. Banner guided him into a separate and even smaller adjacent room. 

 

Sam and Natasha are the only ones inside. Natasha can barely look him in the eyes as Sam asks Bucky to sit down. The milisecond the words, “Steve is dead” comes out of Sam’s mouth, everything around Bucky falls into a jarring silence. His body goes cold, all he hears is radio static. Every part of him seizes in panic and dread. It feels like falling from the freight car all over again. Helplessness, numbness, gone. Just like the last time, his life flashes before his eyes. Steve grabbing the newspaper from their stoop, Steve rescuing Bucky from Dr. Zola’s experimentation table, Steve holding onto the helicopter for dear life. Steve, Steve, Steve. Going, going, gone. For the first time in a long time, Bucky cries. It is a raw and guttural sob that starts deep in his soul and climbs it’s way out through his throat. Sam gets on his knee and carefully places his arms around Bucky. 

“I know.” Sam whispers as he wipes Bucky’s cheeks with a tissue. 

“I just got him back.” Bucky says with a tremor.

Sam says it again, “I know.” 

“Why wasn’t I there? Why didn’t I stop it?” 

Natasha finally speaks up, eyes brimming with exhaustion and grief. “No, Buck. You can’t blame yourself. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

Bucky flings from his chair. “You don’t know shit about it. I loved him. No, I LOVE him. And I was supposed to be with him till the end of the line.” 

“Well you missed the end of the line.” Natasha spits back at him and slams the door behind her. 

In his fit of rage, Bucky’s metal arm had snapped the chair in half. He holds one of its legs in his hand. Sam calmly untangles Bucky’s fingers and the piece clatters to the ground. 

“We all love him, Bucky. In our own different ways.” There is a sad smile on Sam’s face as he says it. 

Bucky slides to the floor.

“Tell Natasha I’m sorry.”

“I know she’s sorry too.”

Silence wraps around Bucky like a shroud. Sam settles himself down next to Bucky. Bucky stares at the gray wall in front of him. He sits there quietly, for what seems like eons. He only notices his trembling hands when Sam covers them with his own.

“How am I supposed to go on without him? I’m so stupid without him, so lost. He grounds me. He was my-” and another sob breaks his speech. 

“Ya know, I never told you this but before everything that happened in D.C., I told him you couldn’t be saved and that all we could do was stop your dumb ass.” Sam nudges Bucky with a smile.

A soft chuckle falls from Bucky’s lips.

“But Steve wouldn’t have any of that. He said no matter what, after everything you two had been through, you would know him. He was so sure. What you guys had, it doesn’t end in death. It couldn’t possibly. You were everything to him.”

Bucky lets out a few shaky breaths. 

“Before Shuri gave me my new arm she told me about this thing called phantom limb. It’s like feeling a piece of you that’s not there anymore.” 

Sam holds his hand a little tighter. 

“We’ll get through this, Buck.”

With a heave, Sam lifts himself and then Bucky up to their feet.

 

The next few days pass by in a dark haze. He attends the funeral but it passes in a blur. Bucky spends his nights awake, staring at the wall and writing down anything and everything he could remember about Steve. It ranges from the big things; his heart of gold, his undying loyalty, his strength that came from his compassion, to the small things; the color of his eyes, his favorite baseball player as a kid, the way he would walk into a room. Bucky spends his days asleep, drowning in blankets and tears. Natasha comes by to formally apologize for their fight. She accepts Bucky’s equally regretful apology with an uncharacteristically giant hug. In fact, all the Avengers and company come by at one point or another to give their condolences. That’s when Bucky decides to sit [Shiva](https://www.shiva.com/learning-center/understanding/how-shiva-observed/) for Steve. Bucky was glad to see how much Steve had made a difference in all their lives but he yearns to be left alone. Alone is when he could see Steve best. He can see him with his eyes closed and the lights turned off. His dusky blonde hair, his blue (and Zemo was right, with just a fleck of green) eyes, his contagious smile. Even the ghost of Steve can make him smile back. There’s a steady stream of visitors during the allotted times but Wanda and Peter visit him every day of Shiva and though it’s only one week, he’s glad to have the time to spend with them. Every single person in the compound [walks](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/ending-shiva/) Bucky out of Shiva on an overcast Monday morning. 

Sam asks him later that day if he wants to go through Steve’s personables before they have to pack up his office. In a small cardboard box Bucky places old photographs, yellowing sketches, worn clothes, random books. He grabs Steve’s pillow from his adjoining bedroom and the blanket he used most often. Just like Bucky, Steve didn’t own that many material objects, but the ones he did go into Bucky’s box. Before he leaves the room for the last time, he asks Sam if he wants anything Bucky took. Sam smiles and tells Bucky he’ll share whatever Bucky took. Sam didn’t think Bucky saw his gaze linger on Steve’s Purple Heart ribbon but Bucky slips it into Sam’s jacket pocket when he’s not looking. The rest of Steve’s things are added to Bucky’s room at the compound. Bucky carefully wraps one of Steve’s shirts in a bag and places it in a drawer. Steve’s brown leather jacket hangs next to the hoodie Bucky found in a Bucharest thrift store. On the worst days, Bucky layers himself in Steve’s clothes and uses the leather jacket as a blanket. Sam walks in one day and mumbles that it’s the least healthy coping mechanism he’s ever seen but before Sam leaves, he tucks the jacket underneath Bucky’s chin. 

He starts to feel less empty as the weeks past. He stops keeping a nocturnal sleeping schedule on Bruce’s suggestion and takes daily runs with Sam to get some fresh air into his lungs. Sam has to train especially hard now that he is the new Captain America. Though often the run is cut short because Bucky falls into a guilt spiral about how Steve will never breathe this air again and Sam coaches him through his panic attacks. One day he looks in the mirror and sees how far he let himself go in his grief. He goes into Natasha’s room with a pair of clippers and a soft smile. Only a solitary tear falls as Nat shaves his long hair into the short crop Bucky knew Steve was familiar with the most. 

“I wish he was here to see it too.” Natasha says with a kiss on the cheek. 

Bucky returns to his room with mixed feelings. He feels lighter than he’s felt in a while but Steve’s phantom still lingers. He thinks it might always. He just has to learn to live with his ghost.


End file.
